I tried to study but it never works because I'm too easily distracted. It's not so bad for Physics because I have Simon Tan's wonderful summaries which are really really good and useful. But nothing from Chemistry went in. Haven't even started with Maths or GP. And I don't even know if there is a GP lesson this thursday or not. Apparently no one is sure. I miss Miss Chen and Hup Kee! She's such a responsible and nice and wonderful GP rep. *sighs*

Had a lot of flashbacks though... I need to learn to appreciate the people around me. To REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY appreciate them. Because I love them so much.

It seems only yesterday that I entered nursery school and now I'm 18. I hate being 18. It's too close to adulthood. Why do we always wish to grow up fast when we are kids and then wish we can go back in time when we are adults? Because we don't appreciate what we have? Because we don't like to lose what we had? Because we always want more? I don't know about everyone but that's me.

But the childhood memories were so nice... I remember my father and I taking walks, I remember him piggybacking me up the stairs of Thomson Ridge and walking to the playground. I remember I fell at the slope that leads out of the estate... I even got a scar from that. I remember he had fishes, I remember that there was a bird with an injured wing in our front porch and he tried to take care of it but it either died or flew away. I remember I spilt a jug of cheng tng that my mum made and cried and she told me it was ok. I remember that she had one corner of our living room converted to a doll/play corner for me and I always wanted to go there and eat and she had to feed me at that time. I remember my sister bringing me to Thomson Plaza and to pick out a gift for my mother and she bought me this gold ring thing with twin blue hearts on them. I remember my brother coming back down and escalator that was going up because I was afraid to go up. I remember how they get scolded for me because I was afraid of being scolded myself.

I'm such a troublemaker. And a bad girl.

I remember all the terrible, thoughtless, insensitive things I did and said. If only I thought a little more... if only I could see the bigger picture and not be so selfish. I hate those memories. I hate what I did, even if they were small and long-forgotten. Because the consequence is not negligible. It has caused discomfort and disconvenience to others. It has made them suffer. Even if it is small, it's still something. I don't like that something. I don't want that something to happen. But it did.

If only I can be a nice girl. So that it won't happen again.

You can forgive ignorance but you can't take away the hurt it has caused. You can't turn back time. The worst thing is that you don't know everything. It is likely that you will not know what you're doing and end up hurting someone again and again and again. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. It hurts when you know you just harmed someone one way or another, whether or not you like the person or not. What's funny about this is that I'm thinking this way because I don't want to be hurt myself. I want to protect my loved ones and keep them away from harm because I can't bear losing them myself. Isn't it strange that for the ones you loved to be happy, you have to be happy so that they can be happy and then you can be really happy? It just goes round and round and round. If we know more, we might be able to make other people happy. Maybe that's why Adam and Eve took the bait and ate the apple. They wanted to know what not to do in order not to hurt the ones they love.

I love all of you.

No, I'm not going to die, just a bit emotional. And probably not going to study anymore for the day. At least I'll have a nice sleep, hugging my pillows (I got a new one!! Since 2 weeks ago) and bolsters for comfort.

Random (or again, not so random?) statement 2:
You may be hurt by someone and disappointed with him but he will be feel pain and grief a thousand times worse than what you feel because guilt is more heartless and cruel than ordinary words and actions

Oh dear I'm doing it again, feeling sorry for myself. Terrible thing to do when there's nothing about myself I should feel sorry about. Things happened because I was like that and I'm to blame for what I was and the only thing to do now is change.

But I hate change.

I shall not say anymore or this entry will just drag.

I really love all of you.