I could say that it's hard to find time to blog, but that's a lie.
There's always time to do something, it's just whether you want to do it or not.
I always end up procrastinating because facebook always look very fun and I keep telling myself I will do it later.
In the end nothing gets done.
I am going to change that.
I wanted to write about something originally... but after writing a bit, I realised I was doing something that I was supposed to stop doing.
Does that sound confusing? Lol, I'm alright really. It's just that for a while I forgot who I was and suddenly I recalled a lot of memories from the past and it made me realise who I really am and what my ideals are.
One of the things that I remembered was the Sec 4 Self Awareness Camp.
It's funny how 4/2 have been on my mind but I never thought of the retreat camp which was probably the most meaningful thing that happened in that year. I finally saw how lucky I was. I always knew I was fortunate, blessed with a good life, loving family, wonderful friends, many opportunities, everything I wanted or needed. It's just so hard to see it and I just end up taking things for granted. I expect everyone to be like me. The retreat helped me to open my eyes a little.
And then I started to forget... although not a lot thanks to the help for GP and school and newspaper and everyone around me. I was still okay in NJ.
After A levels, I started temporary jobs. I was still reading the newspapers, still in touch with the plights of others in the world. I worked at IRAS and I hear many many stories. I may not be able to relate (because I think I was really cynical at that point of time. That's what happens when you serve too many taxpayers who moan and groan about the same old things) but I knew.
And then I came to London and had fun.
The problem with having fun is that you forget everything else. You just want to have more fun.
I had so much fun, I started to hate what I was in London for. To study and learn. (Well and to get my degree but well, I'll think about that 3 years later)
It is our calling (okay my calling at least, being one of the 1% in the world who get to go to university) to study. That's why we are called students. I keep telling people mugging is fun but I don't seem to do what I preach. Don't they always say 'Don't talk the talk if you can't walk the talk?' (or did I make that up myself?)
Bleah, since this is going to be some rubbishy self-reflection blog entry, I guess I'll just put up what I typed earlier. You might want to stop reading, I am rather queer at times, and this is one of those times.
Anyway, it does state the reason why I was suddenly thinking about all these stuff. =)
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It took me a while but after reading a friend's blog about a week ago, I realise something about myself. It wasn't very obvious until I realised how hard this friend was working to change himself, to become a better person (no, this is not Joshua. I support his 'to be a better man' campaign though, exercising is good!).
I think I have become an attention-seeking creature.
It's not the kind of 'trying to steal the limelight' thing, it's more like trying to get people to notice my existence? To realise I'm there? Like a child trying to get people to play with him.
I'm not sure how to explain it.
The point is I don't want to be like that. Because I think what's going to happen is that I'm going to be really selfish and care only about myself.
As long as I know that I'm there, it's good enough.
I'm supposed to take care of others. That was the original plan, to learn how to take care of others.
If I continue to do this attention-seeking thing, I'll probably just be a really nasty person when I start work with all those evil office politicians. I want to be a nice office politician, to play the game, but play nice.
I think I'm losing a bit of who I am, when I stepped into London.
I suppose I could just blame the time factor, that I had no time to think about who I really am. But that would be so wrong, because everytime you do something, you're asserting your own character, you're showing who you are. How can you lose yourself when you're being yourself?
I don't know, I guess I'm describing my confusion in a really confusing manner. This is what happens when you are confused.
Whatever it is, I'm going to stop trying to seek the attention of people. I have always been lucky in all areas and I know very well I will continue to be lucky. I'm fortunate enough to have support from my family and friends, so it's time to stop worrying so much about myself and to help others who are worried. This has nothing to do with trying to be nice, it's more of trying to stop myself from turning into a mean and nasty person.
I thought I could read people really well, I thought I could see if they're really troubled or in need of help but when I came to London, I had so much fun, I forgot about everyone else and their little internal struggles. If I had cared less about having fun, I would have realised that this friend of mine is having a bit of trouble. (but anyway, I believe he prefer to cope with it on his own because it's one of those things that only he can solve and others cannot help.)
So from now on, I should stop having others worry for me and watch the little signs from me that show that I'm troubled (most likely about little things that don't matter... I mean B for logbook? But of course, that's the least of my problems... haha). I'm going to watch the little signs from other people.... I think basically I should be more sensitive.
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Yup. And I should read the newspapers. I shouldn't waste the free Straits Time Interactive from DSTA =)
I feel as though I'm trying to seek somebody's attention (somebody in general!!). I don't know why... but I'll learn to control myself.
Oh well... if I ever turn into a horrifying person in the future, I hope that I will read this and when I read this, I will become a nice person... (although that's going to be really unlikely)
Anyway, I haven't really talked about my feelings about London... well... as you can gather from this entry and my last entry, it's fun! It doesn't feel really different from Singapore but this could be because I'm always hanging around a lot of Singaporeans.
I should definitely improve my social skills.
The days pass really fast! Sometimes it feels slow, sometimes it feels really fast but most of the time it's fast. The weekends just come and go and datelines are drawing closer and yet I feel as though I've only been here for a while. I wouldn't be surprised if it's the time to go back to Singapore before I did any self-improvement.
I think I wrote all that on tuesday (6/11/2007) and friday (9/11/2007) and today is Sunday 11/11/2007. I'm taking a break from my technical communication essay (although I haven't written much and I want to finish it by today!!). I just talked to someone on msn, and somehow when he asked about something and we talked about it, I got really scared of myself. Nothing to do with him, but it's me and how little I know about myself. I mean I do know myself quite well but the inner monsters... the 'dark' side... I think there are a lot of little monsters deep inside of me, probably stemming from some insecurities. But how can you be confident of yourself yet aware of your flaws and be actively trying to change them? If you knew that you have some undesirable character traits, wouldn't you lose confidence in yourself? It's hard to be sure of yourself when you know you're not really as nice as you thought you were.
I wrote this once on 2nd of July 2007.
So as long as I remember, I won't forget. I guess now it's more of a question about how much I believe. I like to think I believe in it totally, but seeing as how I sometimes prefer to rely on myself, I'm not sure how much I believe in it. Doubtful, cynical, or unwilling to put so much burden on what I (or at least what I think I) believe in (hopefully this is the reason why), I don't know. I really hope it's the third. ... sometimes you just wish your prince charming can come and help you solve all your problems? And help you become a better person?
I hardly remember; I don't know how to believe in it fully again (sorry this is not about God, I love him with all my heart although I don't know how much heart I have...); as much as I would like to rely on myself, I don't know how good a benchmark I can make for myself; I wish I remembered who Prince Charming was.
I really feel like typing I want to kill XXX (the person who asked me that question) in the kind of joking manner but it's pointless really. It's not his fault that he unknowingly mentioned something that made me realise some not-so-pleasant things about myself.
You see what too much fun does to you?
I'm going to sulk in one corner.
Just kidding. =)
*sighs* Oh well, in the end, it doesn't really matter who you are, just make sure you do what's right and you don't regret what you have done. I am definitely not a CMI so I will make it! =)
So yes, you can ignore all that confusing stuff in the beginning and read on.
Hmm, what has happened since my last entry? I think it would be the Halloween Party by Singsoc. We celebrated Weifeng's birthday outside the EEE block at our 'chill' area. I 'baked' a cake for Weifeng. Actually, technically, it's not really baked since one the crust is baked. The rest was just like slapped on at the very last minute because I went to play floorball at hyde park. The EEE guys were dressed in really funny costumes... I didn't dress as anything because I didn't have anything to wear (excuses but well... =)) then we went for the halloween party which was more of like another Singaporeans hang-out session. And we watched Resident Evil which was all gore. And then more people who dressed up turned out... well... it wasn't much of a party... but I thought it was nice and cosy. =) And Weifeng's birthday was the first birthday I celebrated here in London so it was quite cool. I miss planning the angklung girls celebrations although there isn't really much planning involved...
Then there was Thorpe Park on 3 Nov. =) Fun fun fun. I thought I was going to faint when I queued for my first ride because the last time I went to a theme park was 4 years back at Disneyland. Thorpe Park has more scary rides... it was scary initially... but fun. I mean there was this ride (Stealth!) in which you travel at 80mph (that's like 200kph I think) and it's 205 ft high... (about 65km?) and one where your legs just hang in midair
(Nemesis Inferno) and lots of others. But when I went to sleep that night, I still felt as though I was on some ride and it was a little frightening because it kept feeling as though I was falling.
Random Statement 29
"The reason why we think God is not answering our prayers is because we are not listening hard enough."
Random Statement 30 (because I really want to collate all the random statements and put them together to form a story like in that the Solitaire Mystery)
"Identity acts as a kind of depth gauge, helping us to plumb ourinner selves to discover who we are, endowing our lives with purpose and meaning." Ziauddin Sardar "Nothing left to belong to", 2002.
Not really random statements but who am I (OR so as not to be sued for Plagiarism, who is Ziauddin Sardar) kidding with statement 30? (Then again, I could now be sued for libel). A long time ago (actually just one year when I was revising for GP), I saw this comprehension passage about teenagers and it says "What such people (who say that they don't know who they are) really mean is that they are not satisfied with who they are. They feel themselves to be timid and colourless or to be in some way or other fault-ridden, but they haev soaked up enough advertising and enough catch-penny ideas of self-improvement to believe in universal Inner Wonderfulness."
So what is all these all about? I don't know, I don't care. I'm just going to try to be nice. =) See, I stopped thinking all the confusing thoughts. I think if people sat around thinking about all their flaws and analysing little monsters within them, they'll turn mad. Me? I'll just keep it simple.
Random Statement 31 (Because I want my own Solitaire Mystery!)
"I have absolute faith in you. It's me that I don't trust."
Oh oh oh it's my sister's birthday today... but I'm not there...
I guess birthdays are hard...
I should find the post office soon.
