And because I'm such a happy girl, I've forgotten all the unhappy things I wanted to blog about. LOL, it's just as well, let's keep it this way.

Anyway, I haven't blogged for a while... there were a few stuff on my mind in the last 2 weeks but I can finally pen them down so that I will not forget.

Sunday talks at HTB.
13/1/2008: Hero
Well, it was quite an interesting way of presenting... pop songs? I thought it was going to end on a relatively lighter note but it was more stirring and stimulating than how I thought it would have gone. He told a true story it was about a man who sent his 4 daughters and wife to UK. The ship that the daughters and wife were on had some kind of accident and sank. The 4 daughters died. The man went to join his grieving wife in UK. On the route to UK, he passed by the area where the ship sank. The captain announced that tragedy and asked for a moment of peace. The man went back to his room and wrote a hymn: It is well with my soul.

And from there I got the answer to what I believe in. The first thing that came to my mind is that "How is it possible, I will never be able to do it." That's when I realised I have such little faith in God. It's painful but I have to be honest. I doubted that I will have enough strength to say that everything is well with my soul. I doubted that the Lord will give me this much strength and that he will give me the ability to use it well.

My entire life has been smooth-sailing. God has given me everything that I have asked for which is why I'm here today in Imperial. This was all I wanted. But I have taken everything for granted. Sometimes, when my imagination gets the better of me and I start thinking of all the terrible things that could happen, and I just breakdown (thank goodness I'm too tired these days to let my imagination go wild). Because I don't think I can handle adversities. I see the loss of a loved one as losing a giant giant piece of my heart. And if I lose everyone and everything...

It's time to have more faith. God has a plan for all of us and I know that all my loved ones are in God's hands. I just have to put more faith in that and believe in the strength that God bestows on his children. Hopefully, when I hear the story again, I will smile and say it will be well with my soul too.

20/1/2008
Integrity
-_-" There's something very coincidental about the timing of this talk. I rather not share but I will try to have more integrity... and abstain from muffins and pain au chocolat and refrain from taking all the yummy chocolatey stuff from Beit Breakfast.
Integrity of life, integrity of words, integrity of heart. To speak the truth in love. To expect to be believed.
I am not able to do it now but perhaps in the near future...
I'm not a very open person, I don't like to share what's on my mind. Even if I try, I'm terrible with words and I have no idea what to say.
And I realised it's much worse in London because I keep saying I don't know.
I guess I left all my social skills at IRAS when I left IRAS counter duty.

And now I remember the unhappy things.
I realised there are some things I really cannot handle well.
I thought I could, but I guess I can't.
At least not when there are other problems that are strongly related to it.
Of course, I'm probably being presumptuous.
I must resist the urge to show off because truly, I am no better than others.
I must stop hurting other people.
I must not let anything affect that way I interact with others, whether it's what they say or what outsiders say.
I must stop thinking that I am better than others. I know the problem lies in me and that I worry too much. God will find a way.
...
Sometimes I wished I could be left alone.
If only I had better social skills.

But I'm still a very happy girl... as happy as anyone can be when they have to work with transistors and bjts and load lines during lab sessions. Bah.

Short entry for today, I've got to understand what's happening with loadlines and stuff. No worries about me, I can sort out my own problems... which aren't really problems.

And dreams... I rarely get those fun adventure dreams these days, but I had one recently and it has inspired an urge to draw.... but I haven't drawn for AGES so I don't really dare pick up the pencil to draw. Anyway, just a few keywords to help me remember the dream, rose agent, transport little girl, notebook and pen and drawings, sniper, mr nice guy in comms.

Random statement 37:
"It is well with my soul."

And a song =)

Waiting for the World to Fall - Jars of Clay

I'm afraid it's been too long to try to find the reasons why
I let my world close in around a smaller patch of fading sky
But now I've grown beyond the walls to where I've never been
And it's still winter in my wonderland

Chorus
I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone

I close my eyes and try to see the world unbroken underneath
The farther off and already it just might make the life I lead
A little more than make-believe when all my skies are painted blue
And the clouds don't ever change the shape of who I am to You

Chorus
I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone

When I catch the light of falling stars
my view is changing me
My view is changing me