The IC Singapore Society musical was fabulous. I had a great time and for a moment I was held spellbound by the excitement of being on stage and acting. The audience's laughter and applause was pure ecstasy.

But when I got home (and finished a packet of M&S chocolate chip cookies), reality hit me.

Just yesterday, I received stunning and sad news. I have been getting a few depressing news, but this was a bit too much of a shock. Maybe it's the curse of Beit Room 303 because my roommate had received this kind of news last term, a few days before Xmas holidays. Now it's my turn.

I am helpless, I have no idea what to do, I don't know what I'm supposed to do, and no one else seem to be giving me any instructions. I don't want to make things worse, but this is such an important thing even though I used to be so indifferent and avoidant.

To my friends, I'm sorry, I don't think I'll be able to tell you what's happening. I'll be fine, all will be well with my soul. Maybe this is the test that God has given me. He has given me strength, giving me Saturday to recollect myself and allowing me to go through the rehearsal on Sunday without breaking down even though I have been very selfish and only thinking for myself at most points.

Technically I have already reasoned with myself on how it should go but... I don't know. Everything seems so uncertain. At this point of time, I don't really want to be in London anymore, I just want to go home even though I probably won't be able to make any difference because I am not good with showing care and it was not as though I was that caring in the past. I wish there was something I could do because I know that people at home are feeling great pain and devastation... but I'm just useless. It hurts knowing that you can't do anything and wishing that you had done more in the past...

Life is much too short. I kept thinking it's unfair, and I still can't stop myself from thinking it. I know God has a plan for everyone and this was it but I guess on my part, I feel guilty for not putting any effort in the past that I feel it's unfair that I cannot do anything now... and I'm too used to a life where I get everything I want that when something slips out of my control, I start to feel jaded. My faith is just not strong enough, which is why I'm still at a position where I am now.

I'm really jealous of people who are close to their extended family. It's not too late for me... but it's too late for.......

Don't ever have regrets in your life.

I suck.

I hope my mother is faring well... I know very well that it hurts knowing that someone else is going through a situation tougher than yours, yet it's so similar and so painful.

I HATE NOT BEING THERE. AND I HATE FEELING INDIFFERENT MOST OF THE TIMES FOR NOT BEING THERE.

I have been operating on 'auto-pilot' mode these days, and I think I might continue to do so... but hopefully I can still remember to be kind. I cannot bring myself to share with others but that doesn't mean I should stop showing care. but... I really don't have any more enthusiasm to spare for upcoming events.

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my neighbour came to tell me how impressed she was by the musical =)

*sighs*

so many feelings and deadlines and things happening.
initialising 'auto' mode. But all will be well with my soul and I'll go back to normal mode.

I'll update more later, sorry.